I feel embarassed and ashamed when I see what other people are submitting as their portfolios. I am not worthy of anything, ever. No matter how hard I work, there is always the giant mountain in front of me that is my empty heart. It feels impossible to climb. Alone at least. But no one wants to help me all that much.
Did I mention that I hate christmas, winter, short days, working 2 jobs, applying to college, cramming for finals, and being utterly rejected by people I thought were my friends, all in one week?
I know it's probably just the short days that make me more sad than usual, but sometimes I feel like spring will never come.

Just a couple of paintings from the last few weeks.

Also

I went to drawing. Had an off day. I was trying to work on my anatomy and being all conservative but it was SO. BORING. So I gave up and decided to be artsy. *shrug* What can I say? Structure bores me.


I am kind of wondering about this one. I really like it, but I know some of the anatomy is blatantly off. I dunno....really feels like "me" right now
I drew something, smeared an edge for a little effect and theeeeen I got carried away. Fun though. Someone complimented me on it ^.^

Bein' artsy and what my art teacher calls "residual"

yepyep.

Oh Geebus

Got really sick really quickly. I am so stressed out with all these presentations and orals and finals coming up. Gah its scary. Plus work. Plus nutcracker.

Spending majority of today compiling things and setting them up for my final portfolio. I should be doing homework/studying.
Forcing myself to go to drawing tonight because I skipped last week. I'm sick, but I need to do this. At least I've worked on my anatomy? My sketchbook is coming along really nicely, I think it'll really boost my portfolio.

I decided I like my work ok. Just not compared to everyone elses. I wish other people liked it too, but they don't >_< or at least no one says anything.

Also, its 0 degrees farenheit out there. Ouch. No fun.


At least I've improved a lot in the last year. See?
When I first decided I was going to calarts:
Now:

Lacking

By some miracle they offered me the day off, so I took it and went drawing instead.
Same model as the last two times. I'm getting kind of tired of her, she's not very exciting.
I'd love a fat person just once. Or a man. I've drawn a male model all of once.....

2 min
2 min

Hard to see, but I really like the large one. Probably because it was a new pose

upper left is 2 min, other two are 5 min. Bottom was a blind contour

10 min.

10 min

15 min

15 min...

a lot of people came up to me and said they liked this one. This struck me as odd because I don't really like it very much. I think it's kind of boring and generic. But no one hardly ever talks to me because they're all old men and I'm...not....so I guess maybe it's better than I think?25 min...I am iffy about this one

25 min....I love how this came out. My favorite of the day.

I feel like my work is lacking the extra "umph" I don't know...I feel so lost

Zoo+Most Embarassing Life drawing day EVER

Ok well have I got an update for you!
I thought I would just put up some sketchbook stuff as of late (ish) None of it is from my new, tiny sketchbook of cuteness that I use a lot more, but oh well.

The man with the hands in his pocket is my father. He came to my class to talk about cancer o.o

I just like this page because I was totally ADD that morning and it shows

I didn't actually do this AT a party, but I did draw it on a peice of newspaper and then redrew it in my sketchbook later. I just think hookahs are so pretty o.o

One of my many kittys <3

Yesterday I went to the zoo! And it was pretty cool.

The penguins were out for once (the only time I normally go to the zoo is in the summer)

This one grizzly bear pulled out an antler and started noming on it like a dog. Cutest thing ever <3 Bears are so my new favorite animal. Besides ducks and mooses.

What I want to know is why weren't the bears hibernating?


This is my favorite page of the day. Because all the birds in the room were absolutely hilarious. The parrots were like an awkward couple, the weird little bird with giant feet was just awesome...and then there was the puff head bird

Basically, I was sitting in this room in the aviary and this bird with a red tuft on its head which I called puff-head (its really called a lady ross's turaco) kept flying really low over my head while I was drawing. Once everyone else left he came and sat next to me on the bench. I was mostly afraid he would hurt me or something so I just stared at him awkwardly as he kept inching closer to me. Then he flew away. But the pattern repeated for about half an hour and by the end of it he kept trying to eat my hair. And my jacket. And my bag. And my sketchbook XD I eventually left. But that bird was hilarious.

The "I see what you did there" camelseals on land trying to get back into the water are kind of like how I live my entire life

lizard, seal, snakeYep! And that was it for the zoo.

I went to life drawing today. Woo! Here's some stuff:

I kind of really like this one just because the head is so huge. It's....different

10 min each

Both of my 20 minute pieces I am really iffy about.

This one would have been better if I hadn't epically failed at the foreshortening xP

I feel really stuck in a rut with figure drawing lately. It's like I've developed this GASP style =O And I so not ready to handle that. I keep seeing what other people make and I'm like HOLY SHIT THATS AWESOME. I want to do that T.T I got some helpful advice the other day on facebook, and I decided I really needed to work on my forceful drawing technique, so I read force a bit today before going drawing. I have no idea if it helped or not. I still feel like I am drawing the same x.x

You're probably wondering why life drawing was so embarassing today. It wasn't because I did a bad job or anything....no....worse.....I *gulp* farted. In the middle of the last pose. It was super loud, and very embarassing. I pretty much darted out of there as fast as I could.

Anyway, tomorrow is thanksgiving and I am going to catch up on all the homework and art stuff I havent done all break. I feel like I have to work way too much, but fortunately they overscheduled on saturday and let me have the day off instead of working for 8 hours. Wooohoo! I am going to go to drawing and see some friends and have some social time :)

Last night a group of good friends of mine came over, and it was super happy. I don't get to see them often at all because we go to 4 different schools. We had a marathon of The Librarian (best made for TV movie series ever) and ate a lot. I love them because they are some of the few people I actually have things in common with as far as interests go. I can actually talk to them about animation and film and they can reciprocate comments! It's so great. It makes me really excited to go to college/calarts because it'll be pretty similar to that. Let's just say I am sick of having people I can only gossip about other people or talk about school work with. It gets old. =/