That's Right

Sometimes when I am procrastinating I make funny faces to my webcam. Sometimes I take pictures of them. Today I started drawing them for practice, and it actually turned into like, a finished peice of work. Wow. That doesn't happen often

My Family is really good at making cakes

My moms cake. Apparently she had fully frosted it and everything and turned her back for a few moments only to turn around and find it crumbling like the Berlin wall. So she put it in a pan. It was delicious anyway

You can tell my dad tried really hard, he even dug up old toy story toys from our huge collection of mcdonalds toys to put on it. Unfortunately there was only enough frosting to half cover the sides. God I love Zurg.

Today I have entered into the magical realm 0f adulthood.

No fairies came to change me. Maybe in my sleep?

Mostly today has been like every other day. Went to school, did stuff, came home. I didn't know what to do with myself so I took a super long walk, because it was about 65 out which is really nice. Usually on my birthday it has just snowed and is totally dreary. But today was downright pleasant, weatherwise.

I got many nice things, including cash, gift cards to some of my favorite clothing stores, and a gift card to the cheescake factory (yum o.o) I sense much shopping is afoot. I will probably spend the cash on some goache paints or the like. I need some of those suckers. And then maybe a peircing :) Which I can get by myself this year! Woo! I also got some graphic novels, the animators survival kit, a hotel reservation in san diego for comic con (THANK YOU DAD. I was so stressed about finding a place to stay) and a really creepy personalized sock monkey. At least this one didn't have a thong under its dress. (long story) So overall, I hit the jackpot this year. I mean this hotel thing just relieved like half the amount of stress I felt before. Which is good, because I was hyperventilating earlier a lot this week. They scheduled me a ridiculous amount at work. I'm going to go have a throwdown with my boss, if I can handle it anyway, because my availability form says max of 17 HOURS. 17. NOT 35. wtf. I am going to go insane if I have to spend that much time at target and school. Sigh. But they did send me a nice little birthday card, all the LODs signed it and everything. Awfully kind of them after I called in for two 8 hours shifts in a row.

Here are some drawings from awhile ago, which I liked until right now. It's a MAN. Holy Shiz!

20 min

30 seconds

30 seconds
30 seconds
2-5 minutes?
10 minutes. This was right after my teacher sat down with me to discuss the leg. I told him I wish I knew what was going on under there and he was like "oh, blah blah blah" and made it perfectly clear in mere minutes. Why can't the books do that??? Anyway, I totally get it now (I think)
You know, he actually was kind of lopsided in this pose (I checked and everything), but I made the mistake of drawing it that way too. Now it just looks stupid.

GAAAAAAAAAAAH TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER ANOTHER PORTFOLIO IS MAKING ME INSANE. Honestly, why didn't I plan ahead for this sort of thing? Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I'm trying to get going on my film. I'm starting to feel like it was a really bad idea to do a film for IB Art. I'm trying to master a medium that takes people a lifetime to understand in, oh, a month. AHHHH. I just got the animators survival kit too, so I suddenly realize I have no idea about anything. Wow. Go me for making stupid desicions. Oh well. Gotta do it anyway, or at least try, or I don't get my diploma. And thats 4 years wasted.

Not what I was expecting...but good I guess

Here is the email I was sent in regards to the notes on my portfolio

"Hi Meredith- I'm sorry- I've been so busy this week, but your file is right here on my desk.The notes indicate that it may be too soon (in terms of your drawing skill level) but that it is a good start. I would suggest you keep up with your figure drawing classes and keep a sketchbook you can draw in from life every day.If you are going to reapply and have any other questions, just let me know.
Best, Libby"

Pretty short and sweet. Exactly what I heard at NPD last September (gosh that seems like such a long time ago!) I was hoping for more...constructive criticism, considering this is what I've been told and told myself over a thousand times.
Sometimes drawing is the most frustrating thing ever, because no one can tell you how to do it. They can show you how they do it, but thats only helpful in a few aspects. Its this big process of discovery that feels like such a mystery to me. I'll draw and draw and draw for months and nothing with happen and then one day CLICK I suddenly am so much better at something I've been struggling with. It's weird, annoying, frustrating. Gah.
This is the reason I love drawing though. I could be talented and successful at any subject I choose to pursue, I'm not a stupid person, and I have really good work ethic (when I want to anyway haha) but drawing is the toughest for me (ok, besides statistics) I find it the most challenging, but also the most rewarding :) Maybe thats what I'll talk about in my artists statement next year....


I was going to show some pretty art to you today, but I left my SD card at my moms. So nothing for now.


I am just going to mention however, that this whole rejection thing is the most ridiculous emotional rollar coaster I've ever been on. One moment I'm totally pleased that I get another year to work on my drawing, then I'm anxious about making a desicion about what to do with that time, then I'm totally depressed and empty because everything in life seems juuuust out of reach.
No calarts, no boyfriend, no best friends, no fun nights, no money. This year is nothing like I wanted it to be. GAR.
I'm pretty stressed out right now. I picked up a large gig next week, then the week after I have to work over 25 hours and its my BIRTHDAY WEEK which is so unfair. And I'm trying to start animating, make a desicion about next year, and its just so hard sometimes. I don't want to get out of bed for anything anymore. I find myself bursting into tears at the most random moments. I have no motivation to do anything. I have to build up the energy to do anything....Sometimes I wonder whether or not this means I'm just going through regular teenage things or if I'm really that depressed. I can't tell. Oh well. Life goes on.
When my portfolio comes back I am going to burn it.


Gee, for an artist I use a lot of words.
Yep, thats my rant for today. I just needed to vent somewhere, no one replies to my texts anymore xP

Oppurtunity

So.

Today. sucks.


I got up, feeling fine. Went to school. Nearly slept through math. Got super hungry during time release, hung out with people who ignored me some more, by fourth block I just felt empty, lost, awful. I went to drawing after school. It was cool, we got a man. I did ok, felt good to draw though. Classes full of beginners always make me feel better. I got home and checked the mail, a habit I've gotten into the past three weeks. I come inside and sift through it and there it is. A simple letter. It says calarts. From the office of admissions. I quietly take it and go to my room. I inspect the letter. 44 cents. Sent last thursday. I don't even need to open it to know. But I do anyways.
I sat down, accepting the fact. After a few minutes I shed a few tears, then told everyone the news. I ate half a toblerone and then took a shower and that was it.

I don't know how to feel. I knew I wasn't ready, I knew I fucked around too much last semester. I feel...disappointed that I don't get to go to an awesome school with awesome people right away. Embarassed that I thought I could. Anxious and nervous about the future, since I have no idea what it holds. Excited for the very same reason. Relieved that I don't have to throw myself into a pool of sharks when I'm just a guppie. Determined to try even harder next year....

I just need to figure out what to do with this year in front of me. There are a couple of options, and I'm gonna outline em here, for the sake of organization.

1. Go to a different school.
I'm 90% sure I don't want to go anywhere else, or that any more schools will accept me.
a. Sheridan/Ringling- I haven't actually heard back from these schools, but I have a feeling I won't get into either of these anyway, especially considering my rush job portfolio for sheridan. I may actually consider going there if I get in, but probably not
b. CU- the only reason I would go here would be to stay social and close to people. I don't really care for any of the classes or the school itself too much
c. Savannah- I already got in here, with some scholarship money. But it'd still cost a butt load, although a year of foundations could be very helpful

2. Stay in Boulder
There are several variations of this plan
a. Live at home, go to Front Range- this would be the cheapest option, and I could still keep busy with some courses and such. But the thing is, everyone is leaving and I dont know if I could handle just being alone, all the time. It'd be a year of solitude. I seriously worry about my mental health in that situation.
b. Move out, work a lot, maybe a course or two- I'd have to get a better job, of course. Probably something like a waitress, something that made more money than I get at target. If I moved to an apartment in boulder I could possibly get a roommate from CU
c. Live at home, work a ton and save money- you know, to pay for the massive calarts tuition later

staying in boulder pretty much requires a lot less social time. most of the people I know going to CU are the people that make me feel like an unwanted pile of shit, so I'm not sure that would work out very well. Again, I get really concerned for myself in that regard.

3. Move somewhere else
I'm really just thinking of Hawaii at this point. It'd be so cool to move in with some people near the beach, learn to surf, get an average job, and just surf and do art in all my free time. I'm really considering this option because its something I really want to do, and this possibly the only oppurtunity I'll ever get.
I've already checked and, Oahu has more figure drawing meet ups than Boulder. They're much cheaper too. The only hurdle is finding a job, and also moving. Being away from home might get rough too. I dunno, I think it'd be good for a year. Going somewhere completely different would be...awesome.
I'd love to travel other places too of course, but financially that'd be a nitemare.
I could also vary this with being a ski bum up in the mountains, but any more cold sounds like a terrible idea.

4. Join some sort of...program.
People have told me about all sorts of things you can do for a year and such. I saw one where you go live in work in either australia or new zealand, which would be the bomb. But I think being part of an organization would be hard to work around with art.



So yep. Life is what you make of it. I could sit here and cry all night about calarts, but I'm not going to. I'm gonna get another chance, and hell, this time it'll be a lot better. I'm going to knock their socks off with the next portfolio and it'll be a slam dunk getting in.
This year was supposed to be better than all the rest, but it hasn't been. The entirety of high school has been a living nitemare, every year getting worse and worse (although nothing tops freshman year...I'm still having trouble getting over that) But its almost over now and with some luck life will get brighter. I'm sick of feeling depressed and lonely constantly, I'm ready for a lifestyle that makes me happy.

To prove I haven't been doing absolutely nothing

Here are some drawerings from my breakthrough arts class

The head looked perfectly fine at the angle I drew it from. Flat it justs wrong

The model is very nice and pretty, but she bores me to tears. These poses here? They're super exagerrated.

But it gives me a good chance to focus on anatomy, which my teacher is super knowledgable at. Yay.

Still not dead yet

So I would just like to make sure everyone knows I still exist. Things have been slow since I turned in the portfolio...BUT! I went to Hawaii. Here are some lovely photos of the trip. I took hundreds, but these are my favorites
This was a waterfall in Waimea Valley. It's supposedly sacred. I got to swim out there and sit under it like those people too. It was cold but beautiful

We stayed at an Episcopalien Church Camp, seeing at my Aunt, who is a director of a camp in South Carolina, was there for a conference, which is the whole reason we go to go anyway. This was the view from next to my bed. It was awesome. I don't like fancy hotels that much, I'd much rather just sleep in a cabin with bunk beds, so this was perfect
Lanikai/Kailua beach. We snorkeled here.

The waves are notorious for being huge there. We were on the north shore, which has all the famous surfing contests. I actually got to see one, but I didn't have my camera that day. The waves got up to be 25 feet. It was insane.

I did a number of other things on the trip, like go to Hilo and see an active volcano and play the ukelele and we drove all over the island of Oahu. It was super relaxing. I would go to bed at about 8 or 9 every night since there wasn't anything to do once the sun went down, and I would wake up at 7 the next day. I wish I could live like that for real! I could totally consider taking a year to go be a surf bum on the north shore while working on art. It would be amazing. And much warmer than being a snowboard bum =P

So as far as art goes, like I said I've cooled down a bit since the portfolio got done. I've gone to life drawing a couple of times, but they're cutting our hours at work a shit ton because the fiscal year just started for retail, so I'm trying to save money. I also just spent all my money going to hawaii. The free one is back up and running, at a different school this time, so now its a pain in the ass to find parking. But I still go.

In class I'm working on my graffiti thingy, which is just as hard as I thought it would be. Also, I've learned my lesson to NEVER BUY CHEAP PAINT AGAIN. The spray cans thats are 97 cents each are so painful to use. x.x And they get pain all over your finger somehow and its 14 degrees out so your fingers are number except for the jabbing spray head and it looks and feels like you are bleeding paint. Just awful.

I'm starting my short animation thingy. I don't really know what to call it anymore, since I have no idea what direction I'm headed in. I've been doing a lot of research and practice and stuff. Truthfully I'm terrified it's going to come out awful and I will have failed as animator and that will mean I am not cut out for the job at all. But I've got to try anyway.

I am also trying to work on something for my friends Art for Wildlife Show, which is some sort of fundraiser for wildlife or whatnot. I'm excited because a lot of people are supposed to show up, and it'll be the first time I've ever really been showcased as an artist. So whatever I do MUST. BE. AWESOME. The works are for sale too, so I hope to do something good enough to sell. I want to help wildlife, after all.

IB is currently raping my soul. I have just finished up almost all IAs and CAS and all of that. I have one math IA left to do (due in...3 days. Haven't started. Should probably get on that) and then I'm done with all requirements except for testing in May (April for Art. Yipes, I have so much work to do)

Otherwise, my life is pretty normal. Which means it's not normal at all, but we all know how that goes. I feel way too stuck on the past these days. I keep finding myself going through old photos and emails and wishing everything could have been different. I'd really like to move on from what happened in 9th grade, but I'm obsessed with it. The best answer is to just let go. It's so hard, I can't. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Graduation in 104 days. 18 in 29 days. Woooo!

Also, I must say I am always surprised at my ability to rant about my life. I'd show more arty pictures, but alas, I have none. :( Sad day

I'm not dead yet

Well, I am not entirely dead yet. I haven't been doing too much life drawing, trying to save money right now. But I've still been drawing quite a bit.
I decided for my final project in art this year I want to do a short film. This was an intention I've had all year. I'm still unsure of whether or not I can pull it off, but its something I really want to try/do. Its going to be about a girl and her cactus, I think. I am aiming for 45 seconds. I still have no clue how to go about it besides drawing pictures on paper and flipping them around a whole bunch. I guess I should go check out the animators survival guide again from the library.





I was sketching today in math. I found I have this problem...whenever I draw women they all have the same face type. Thats another goal this year. I guess I will get cracking on portraits and such.
It's unfinished so far.

















I had some sort of weird obsession with mermaids today, so I drew a whole bunch. Dunno why.

My current project is keeping me very busy. I am going to do a graffiti/mural peice in the school. I am SO excited about this. Ever since I wrote my extended essay on pixacao in brazil I have been fascinated with this culture, and I'm so psyched to get to try my own hand at it (legally, unfortunately)

This is the one I like best so far. I think I will be using this design

also, this is a project I finished up semi-recently, or at least a painted representation of it. I kicked my foot through a canvas. It was fun.

Here is the Imcompetent League. To be renamed at a later date.

It consists of my alter ego, Moose Boogers. She fights used tissues with her awesome gloves. There is Pregnant woman. Her powers are horomone rage attack and water burst. And Squidboy! He has to be carried around in a bucket. But he's really good at math and defeator of pens that have run out of ink (my no. 1 nemisis)






aaaaand finally....

oh math class...so productive.

I have a major case of senioritis. I find myself coming home every day and doing nothing for 6 hours, then an hour of homework, and 2 more hours of nothing. In the next two days I've got half my psych IA due, all of my bio IA due (whats the use for that? my incompetent teacher will probably give me a 3/6 on every section...sure, give the IB seniors the NEW teacher. awesome) a timed writing in english, my TOK essay due, and yea...it hasn't been a very good week.

In other news, HAWAII IN 3 DAYS!