That's Right

Sometimes when I am procrastinating I make funny faces to my webcam. Sometimes I take pictures of them. Today I started drawing them for practice, and it actually turned into like, a finished peice of work. Wow. That doesn't happen often

My Family is really good at making cakes

My moms cake. Apparently she had fully frosted it and everything and turned her back for a few moments only to turn around and find it crumbling like the Berlin wall. So she put it in a pan. It was delicious anyway

You can tell my dad tried really hard, he even dug up old toy story toys from our huge collection of mcdonalds toys to put on it. Unfortunately there was only enough frosting to half cover the sides. God I love Zurg.

Today I have entered into the magical realm 0f adulthood.

No fairies came to change me. Maybe in my sleep?

Mostly today has been like every other day. Went to school, did stuff, came home. I didn't know what to do with myself so I took a super long walk, because it was about 65 out which is really nice. Usually on my birthday it has just snowed and is totally dreary. But today was downright pleasant, weatherwise.

I got many nice things, including cash, gift cards to some of my favorite clothing stores, and a gift card to the cheescake factory (yum o.o) I sense much shopping is afoot. I will probably spend the cash on some goache paints or the like. I need some of those suckers. And then maybe a peircing :) Which I can get by myself this year! Woo! I also got some graphic novels, the animators survival kit, a hotel reservation in san diego for comic con (THANK YOU DAD. I was so stressed about finding a place to stay) and a really creepy personalized sock monkey. At least this one didn't have a thong under its dress. (long story) So overall, I hit the jackpot this year. I mean this hotel thing just relieved like half the amount of stress I felt before. Which is good, because I was hyperventilating earlier a lot this week. They scheduled me a ridiculous amount at work. I'm going to go have a throwdown with my boss, if I can handle it anyway, because my availability form says max of 17 HOURS. 17. NOT 35. wtf. I am going to go insane if I have to spend that much time at target and school. Sigh. But they did send me a nice little birthday card, all the LODs signed it and everything. Awfully kind of them after I called in for two 8 hours shifts in a row.

Here are some drawings from awhile ago, which I liked until right now. It's a MAN. Holy Shiz!

20 min

30 seconds

30 seconds
30 seconds
2-5 minutes?
10 minutes. This was right after my teacher sat down with me to discuss the leg. I told him I wish I knew what was going on under there and he was like "oh, blah blah blah" and made it perfectly clear in mere minutes. Why can't the books do that??? Anyway, I totally get it now (I think)
You know, he actually was kind of lopsided in this pose (I checked and everything), but I made the mistake of drawing it that way too. Now it just looks stupid.

GAAAAAAAAAAAH TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER ANOTHER PORTFOLIO IS MAKING ME INSANE. Honestly, why didn't I plan ahead for this sort of thing? Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I'm trying to get going on my film. I'm starting to feel like it was a really bad idea to do a film for IB Art. I'm trying to master a medium that takes people a lifetime to understand in, oh, a month. AHHHH. I just got the animators survival kit too, so I suddenly realize I have no idea about anything. Wow. Go me for making stupid desicions. Oh well. Gotta do it anyway, or at least try, or I don't get my diploma. And thats 4 years wasted.

Not what I was expecting...but good I guess

Here is the email I was sent in regards to the notes on my portfolio

"Hi Meredith- I'm sorry- I've been so busy this week, but your file is right here on my desk.The notes indicate that it may be too soon (in terms of your drawing skill level) but that it is a good start. I would suggest you keep up with your figure drawing classes and keep a sketchbook you can draw in from life every day.If you are going to reapply and have any other questions, just let me know.
Best, Libby"

Pretty short and sweet. Exactly what I heard at NPD last September (gosh that seems like such a long time ago!) I was hoping for more...constructive criticism, considering this is what I've been told and told myself over a thousand times.
Sometimes drawing is the most frustrating thing ever, because no one can tell you how to do it. They can show you how they do it, but thats only helpful in a few aspects. Its this big process of discovery that feels like such a mystery to me. I'll draw and draw and draw for months and nothing with happen and then one day CLICK I suddenly am so much better at something I've been struggling with. It's weird, annoying, frustrating. Gah.
This is the reason I love drawing though. I could be talented and successful at any subject I choose to pursue, I'm not a stupid person, and I have really good work ethic (when I want to anyway haha) but drawing is the toughest for me (ok, besides statistics) I find it the most challenging, but also the most rewarding :) Maybe thats what I'll talk about in my artists statement next year....


I was going to show some pretty art to you today, but I left my SD card at my moms. So nothing for now.


I am just going to mention however, that this whole rejection thing is the most ridiculous emotional rollar coaster I've ever been on. One moment I'm totally pleased that I get another year to work on my drawing, then I'm anxious about making a desicion about what to do with that time, then I'm totally depressed and empty because everything in life seems juuuust out of reach.
No calarts, no boyfriend, no best friends, no fun nights, no money. This year is nothing like I wanted it to be. GAR.
I'm pretty stressed out right now. I picked up a large gig next week, then the week after I have to work over 25 hours and its my BIRTHDAY WEEK which is so unfair. And I'm trying to start animating, make a desicion about next year, and its just so hard sometimes. I don't want to get out of bed for anything anymore. I find myself bursting into tears at the most random moments. I have no motivation to do anything. I have to build up the energy to do anything....Sometimes I wonder whether or not this means I'm just going through regular teenage things or if I'm really that depressed. I can't tell. Oh well. Life goes on.
When my portfolio comes back I am going to burn it.


Gee, for an artist I use a lot of words.
Yep, thats my rant for today. I just needed to vent somewhere, no one replies to my texts anymore xP

Oppurtunity

So.

Today. sucks.


I got up, feeling fine. Went to school. Nearly slept through math. Got super hungry during time release, hung out with people who ignored me some more, by fourth block I just felt empty, lost, awful. I went to drawing after school. It was cool, we got a man. I did ok, felt good to draw though. Classes full of beginners always make me feel better. I got home and checked the mail, a habit I've gotten into the past three weeks. I come inside and sift through it and there it is. A simple letter. It says calarts. From the office of admissions. I quietly take it and go to my room. I inspect the letter. 44 cents. Sent last thursday. I don't even need to open it to know. But I do anyways.
I sat down, accepting the fact. After a few minutes I shed a few tears, then told everyone the news. I ate half a toblerone and then took a shower and that was it.

I don't know how to feel. I knew I wasn't ready, I knew I fucked around too much last semester. I feel...disappointed that I don't get to go to an awesome school with awesome people right away. Embarassed that I thought I could. Anxious and nervous about the future, since I have no idea what it holds. Excited for the very same reason. Relieved that I don't have to throw myself into a pool of sharks when I'm just a guppie. Determined to try even harder next year....

I just need to figure out what to do with this year in front of me. There are a couple of options, and I'm gonna outline em here, for the sake of organization.

1. Go to a different school.
I'm 90% sure I don't want to go anywhere else, or that any more schools will accept me.
a. Sheridan/Ringling- I haven't actually heard back from these schools, but I have a feeling I won't get into either of these anyway, especially considering my rush job portfolio for sheridan. I may actually consider going there if I get in, but probably not
b. CU- the only reason I would go here would be to stay social and close to people. I don't really care for any of the classes or the school itself too much
c. Savannah- I already got in here, with some scholarship money. But it'd still cost a butt load, although a year of foundations could be very helpful

2. Stay in Boulder
There are several variations of this plan
a. Live at home, go to Front Range- this would be the cheapest option, and I could still keep busy with some courses and such. But the thing is, everyone is leaving and I dont know if I could handle just being alone, all the time. It'd be a year of solitude. I seriously worry about my mental health in that situation.
b. Move out, work a lot, maybe a course or two- I'd have to get a better job, of course. Probably something like a waitress, something that made more money than I get at target. If I moved to an apartment in boulder I could possibly get a roommate from CU
c. Live at home, work a ton and save money- you know, to pay for the massive calarts tuition later

staying in boulder pretty much requires a lot less social time. most of the people I know going to CU are the people that make me feel like an unwanted pile of shit, so I'm not sure that would work out very well. Again, I get really concerned for myself in that regard.

3. Move somewhere else
I'm really just thinking of Hawaii at this point. It'd be so cool to move in with some people near the beach, learn to surf, get an average job, and just surf and do art in all my free time. I'm really considering this option because its something I really want to do, and this possibly the only oppurtunity I'll ever get.
I've already checked and, Oahu has more figure drawing meet ups than Boulder. They're much cheaper too. The only hurdle is finding a job, and also moving. Being away from home might get rough too. I dunno, I think it'd be good for a year. Going somewhere completely different would be...awesome.
I'd love to travel other places too of course, but financially that'd be a nitemare.
I could also vary this with being a ski bum up in the mountains, but any more cold sounds like a terrible idea.

4. Join some sort of...program.
People have told me about all sorts of things you can do for a year and such. I saw one where you go live in work in either australia or new zealand, which would be the bomb. But I think being part of an organization would be hard to work around with art.



So yep. Life is what you make of it. I could sit here and cry all night about calarts, but I'm not going to. I'm gonna get another chance, and hell, this time it'll be a lot better. I'm going to knock their socks off with the next portfolio and it'll be a slam dunk getting in.
This year was supposed to be better than all the rest, but it hasn't been. The entirety of high school has been a living nitemare, every year getting worse and worse (although nothing tops freshman year...I'm still having trouble getting over that) But its almost over now and with some luck life will get brighter. I'm sick of feeling depressed and lonely constantly, I'm ready for a lifestyle that makes me happy.