Oppurtunity

So.

Today. sucks.


I got up, feeling fine. Went to school. Nearly slept through math. Got super hungry during time release, hung out with people who ignored me some more, by fourth block I just felt empty, lost, awful. I went to drawing after school. It was cool, we got a man. I did ok, felt good to draw though. Classes full of beginners always make me feel better. I got home and checked the mail, a habit I've gotten into the past three weeks. I come inside and sift through it and there it is. A simple letter. It says calarts. From the office of admissions. I quietly take it and go to my room. I inspect the letter. 44 cents. Sent last thursday. I don't even need to open it to know. But I do anyways.
I sat down, accepting the fact. After a few minutes I shed a few tears, then told everyone the news. I ate half a toblerone and then took a shower and that was it.

I don't know how to feel. I knew I wasn't ready, I knew I fucked around too much last semester. I feel...disappointed that I don't get to go to an awesome school with awesome people right away. Embarassed that I thought I could. Anxious and nervous about the future, since I have no idea what it holds. Excited for the very same reason. Relieved that I don't have to throw myself into a pool of sharks when I'm just a guppie. Determined to try even harder next year....

I just need to figure out what to do with this year in front of me. There are a couple of options, and I'm gonna outline em here, for the sake of organization.

1. Go to a different school.
I'm 90% sure I don't want to go anywhere else, or that any more schools will accept me.
a. Sheridan/Ringling- I haven't actually heard back from these schools, but I have a feeling I won't get into either of these anyway, especially considering my rush job portfolio for sheridan. I may actually consider going there if I get in, but probably not
b. CU- the only reason I would go here would be to stay social and close to people. I don't really care for any of the classes or the school itself too much
c. Savannah- I already got in here, with some scholarship money. But it'd still cost a butt load, although a year of foundations could be very helpful

2. Stay in Boulder
There are several variations of this plan
a. Live at home, go to Front Range- this would be the cheapest option, and I could still keep busy with some courses and such. But the thing is, everyone is leaving and I dont know if I could handle just being alone, all the time. It'd be a year of solitude. I seriously worry about my mental health in that situation.
b. Move out, work a lot, maybe a course or two- I'd have to get a better job, of course. Probably something like a waitress, something that made more money than I get at target. If I moved to an apartment in boulder I could possibly get a roommate from CU
c. Live at home, work a ton and save money- you know, to pay for the massive calarts tuition later

staying in boulder pretty much requires a lot less social time. most of the people I know going to CU are the people that make me feel like an unwanted pile of shit, so I'm not sure that would work out very well. Again, I get really concerned for myself in that regard.

3. Move somewhere else
I'm really just thinking of Hawaii at this point. It'd be so cool to move in with some people near the beach, learn to surf, get an average job, and just surf and do art in all my free time. I'm really considering this option because its something I really want to do, and this possibly the only oppurtunity I'll ever get.
I've already checked and, Oahu has more figure drawing meet ups than Boulder. They're much cheaper too. The only hurdle is finding a job, and also moving. Being away from home might get rough too. I dunno, I think it'd be good for a year. Going somewhere completely different would be...awesome.
I'd love to travel other places too of course, but financially that'd be a nitemare.
I could also vary this with being a ski bum up in the mountains, but any more cold sounds like a terrible idea.

4. Join some sort of...program.
People have told me about all sorts of things you can do for a year and such. I saw one where you go live in work in either australia or new zealand, which would be the bomb. But I think being part of an organization would be hard to work around with art.



So yep. Life is what you make of it. I could sit here and cry all night about calarts, but I'm not going to. I'm gonna get another chance, and hell, this time it'll be a lot better. I'm going to knock their socks off with the next portfolio and it'll be a slam dunk getting in.
This year was supposed to be better than all the rest, but it hasn't been. The entirety of high school has been a living nitemare, every year getting worse and worse (although nothing tops freshman year...I'm still having trouble getting over that) But its almost over now and with some luck life will get brighter. I'm sick of feeling depressed and lonely constantly, I'm ready for a lifestyle that makes me happy.